DAMN DAMN DAMN JAMES

I see signs now all the time

July 2nd came and went this year and I didn’t even think about it until today. Now that I have thought about it, I’m thinking it might be a good idea to get the story out. It’s kinda personal so if it makes you feel uncomfortable or weirded out  reading that kind of thing, you might just want to stop right now.

The July 2nd I’m referring to came and went in 2006. It’s about 5 in the morning on that day.  I wake up to her sitting in the bathroom. She says: “something isn’t right.” She said that she needs to go to the hospital. I didn’t question it, I just said: “let’s go.” For some reason, she was insisting that she go by herself. I strongly suggest that i go, and finally she relents. On the way there we try to figure out the ER that will be fastest to get into and that’s covered by Kaiser Permanente. We head to the hospital in Fayetteville, which would seem like the nicest, quickest one to get into.  It was probably true. On the way there, I phone my sister Rachel (she’s driving down to Tampa to see my brother) to ask if spotting is normal for someone that’s 16-20 weeks along. She said she really didn’t know. We get to the ER in Fayetteville. It’s a very nice hospital and she got right in to see a Dr.. I sat outside for a little bit and called a few people to sort of let them know what was happening. I can’t stand to see her get stuck with needles because it’s so hard to get the line going. I go back in to the ER. She has a look on her face that’s blank. She’s been sedated. I go up to her and she whispers the news in my ear. “I’ve had a miscarriage.”  My head explodes in that moment.  I don’t even know what to do to do or say. I collapse into tears. She tells me i have to calm down, it’s not good to be worked up around her in this state. I leave the ER and go sit outside in the sun. It’s blasted hot out here and it can’t be more than 8AM.  I call Rachel to tell her what happened.  She’s crying and she says she’ll let my mom know. I call another friend who I’d confided in a lot over the past year. She lives in Dalton, but says she wouldn’t hesitate to drive down at a moment’s notice. I insist that it’s not necessary. She keeps calling back throughout the day to see if things are alright. I really appreciate it. My parents too, they’re in Tampa as well for the 4th of July. They say they will drive up at the drop of a hat. I keep insisting that i’m alright and they don’t need to come. I think they know I’m not though. I go back into the ER and she’s completely gone. She keeps telling me they didn’t hear a heartbeat because he was just resting. He’s sleeping and he doesn’t want to be bothered with them. This breaks my heart just thinking about it now as much as it did then. To be honest I haven’t thought about that detail of the story probably since it happened. I wonder why no one is talking to me about it. I’m the Dad! I lost a baby! Doesn’t anyone care? I still don’t understand why no one offered to talk to me.  I know it wasn’t planned, but i got used to the idea. I loved the idea after a while. We knew he was a boy. It was probably ill advised to give him a name at that point in time, but we did. His name was Ian and we loved him. I would talk to him and tell him I couldn’t wait to see him. My next trip out to the parking lot, I saw a white man, a black woman and their little boy walking into the hospital. It’s not a very usual sight in GA so it stood out. That was going to be me in a few years and now it wasn’t going to be. It’s another image in my mind from that day that’s indelible. I go back in and she’s ready to go. I go out and pull the car around for her to be wheeled out. On the drive home, I can’t drive anymore. I have to pull over because I’m hyperventilating. It’s probably about 3PM at this point and I realize i haven’t eaten anything. We pull into taco bell for whatever reason because it’s the first thing we see. I don’t remember it tasting like anything. We don’t want to go upstairs, so we pull out the futon down in the basement and just collapse. I don’t know if I’ve ever felt so exhausted physically, mentally and emotionally. When my Grandfather died, I was at least a little prepared. In this case, I was preparing for life and a total reversal occurred from what was being prepared for. There’s much more to this story, but that’s just a little snapshot of what I think about this time of year.

Don't forget....

I hope at this point this doesn’t seem trite to anyone. Actually, I don’t care if it does. I just hope that at some point during everyone’s fun this weekend, they actually think about the lives that were given by our servicemen and women. I don’t care if you do something or not, at least just give ti some pause while you drink that beer or grill that burger.

The Yin and the Yan

I just have a few words for a certain type of people. Some might say that its my fault that I get myself into these situations. It probably is for a number of reasons. The people I’l talking about are ones you would consider friends or family or even family that you consider to be friends as well. When one is around them, it is awesome. We have great times. Laughing, joking, talking, crying even if the situation presents itself. It’s all a rich tapestry of good memories and good times in the moment. The problem with me, a lot of times, is that I think that there will be more of it. Now I’m realistic. We’re all adults and we have our own separate directions we have to go from Monday to Friday and on the weekends as well. That being said, we all have phones and email and other things too these days. After a good time with these types of people, you might want to keep the goodwill going with a phone call or a well placed email with some good thoughts. They will not respond. If they do, it’s with some link to a website or some recycled bullshit. They will not return a phone call. They will just keep moving, doing whatever it is they do, usually nothing of importance enough to return the courtesy of a phone call or the aforesaid email. One day you make a phone call and they happen to answer the phone. They may have a major life event in the works that you had no inkling that this was going to happen. Others still, you might just hear about major life events through other channels or hearsay. When I hear about these types of things like this, I act as if they didn’t even happen. I will just say that there are too many people in my life like this. I am sure that I have been guilty of this in the past, but I don’t believe ever to the extent that I have mentioned here. Is this a “me” problem? Do I just care too much about people that I consider friends? Any of these people that fall into this category, I would still do nearly anything for and I’ll just leave it at that. I love them.

The other group is one that also consists of friends, family and family that are friends. I am blown away by their ability to show up constantly. None of these things that I have mentioned apply to them. Sometimes, regrettably, I take them for granted. When you need to run something by them, they answer the phone or call back in a reasonable amount of time. They have you over. You have them over because you can get a hold of them. It’s awesome. I need to appreciate these guys more. I love them.

The other type are just leaches. They can be OK to be around sometimes, but not necessarily. You may be in contact with them a lot or not that much. You do know one thing though. When you hear from them, they are most likely to want something from you. They are black hole. You don’t EVER get anything back from them. That’s not true. If you’re a masochist, like me. You get punishment. Sometimes when I’m feeling too good about myself, I take the call and bring myself down.

My mix CD Notes.

1. Way Down in the Hole- The Blind Boys of Alabama    
This is the theme to the TV show The Wire for those who don’t  know. As a nod to an episode of said show, I ended the compilation with the ending theme as well. I like both tracks very much musically , but I also think that it also refers how  one of my favorite form of songs is  a story. So maybe this collection has a bigger theme to it? I’d love your input.

2. Mama Tried- Merle Haggard
I wanted to get off to a rollicking start and this does it. It’s 2 minutes of disappointment and misery and letting down your family in spite of what they’ve tried to do.

3. Shelter From the Storm-Bob Dylan
Everybody seeks this from someone at one time or another.

4. Bold as Love- Jimi Hendrix
It’s one of the frustrations with classic rock radio. There are so many more songs that they could be playing. Hey Joe and Fire are great songs but this one is just as good or better. When you don’t have to be burnt out on something, why should you?  Classic rock radio plays many  different Led Zeppelin songs, but there are many more that they could play like the Lemon Song or Gallows Pole

5.  Jesus Etc. - Wilco  
I could have picked any number of songs off of their YHF album and been just as happy, but this is just the 1st one that I thought of. Every song on that album is so freaking well constructed.

6. Signs-  Bloc Party
I couldn’t make a mix without putting my current favorite song  on it. I feel his sadness for the loss of this person, whoever she is.  I would love to know the person he’s talking about if there is indeed someone.

7. Lost Cause- Beck
I’m certain everyone has someone(s) that is a black hole for energy, time and emotion or has had this at some point.  You just get tired. Incidentally this is one of my favorite music videos I’ve seen in the last several years.

8. Lilac Wine- Jeff Buckley
I was going to use the Nina Simone version, but I already have a 10 minute song by her so I figured that was enough.  I considered using the Eartha Kitt version as well, but that gets really annoying near the end. I’ve used Jeff Buckley a lot on my selections, but here he is again and he does it so well.

9.  Sinnerman- Nina Simone
Listen to the whole 10 minutes. It’s good for your soul.  That’s all I have to say about that.

10. Sweetest Girl(Dollar Bill)- Wyclef, Akon, Li’l’ Wayne
Since it was released in 2007, this may be the song that I have listened to the most. It’s a commentary on our society and it relates to what I have to deal with a lot.


11. Time will Tell- Bob Marley
It’s another reason why if you just have the Legend album, you’re missing some good stuff(not that that’s a bad start).

12. Love Hurts- Gram Parsons
I believe the Everly Brothers recorded this first and Nazareth made it really popular, but the Grievous Angel does it the best.  This song is one that floats around in my subconscious a lot.

13. Deathly- Aimee Mann
“Now that I’ve met you, would you object to, never seeing each other again?” The line is ripped straight from the movie Magnolia (well it was on the soundtrack, duh) and it’s one that I’ve thought about a lot when initially meeting someone. Of course we never show enough restraint to actually do it. We let things deteriorate. We’re not as nice as we were initially were. We toss mixed signals around. We give just enough. We argue. We’re done. “Cos I can’t afford to, climb aboard you. Noone’s got that  much ego to spend.”

14.  Refuge(When it’s Cold Outside)- John Legend
You can’t find a song that’s much prettier than this. I’ve been sprung on this song ever since it came out in 2005.

15.  Retrospect for Life- Common  f. Lauryn Hill
You can certainly feel how you want about abortion, but this song actually looks at the whole issue and the way it looks in real life as opposed to on posterboards.

16.  Paris Sunrise #7 - Ben Harper
I’m a sucker for Ben Harper instrumentals. It’s an homage to drink that Hemingway used to have at the café’s  in Paris. I put it on repeat and sit back with a drink of my own.

17.  The Fall- Andre Burke
See #1.